Dear Teens, It’s Not You. It’s Us.
Editing the Broken Story We Tell About Adolescence.
We Are the Problem
I vividly remember an 8th grader coming up to me in the first weeks of school and saying, “It feels so weird to get used to, Sax. The idea that you actually just like being around us.”
I taught middle school for 15 years and every time I told someone what I did they always responded with some combination of “better you than me,” or “oh my god, why?”, or “man, you are a brave one! I could never.”
In his excellent new book, researcher David Yeager Ph.D challenges readers that, “We owe it to young people to ask the hard question: What if the problem has more to do with us, and how we treat the next generation, than it has to do with who they are?” Having worked with teens for years, and having been a challenging teen myself, I am certain, the problem has far more to do with us than them.
The Story We Tell Them
I have to admit, every time I see yet another alarmist headline about the adolescent mental health crisis I want to scream. No one seems to be talking about how much of this crisis hinges on the fact that behind the headlines is a prevailing social narrative about teens that is negative, dismissive, and deficit based. Think of most popular media about adolescence. What’s the main message? When you enter middle school
Your friends might all decide to ditch you and one small social mistake could ruin your life
You will become obsessed with sex
Your relationship with your family will implode
No one will respect you and you will be fighting to prove your worth at every turn
Nothing you do now will go well and all security and safety lies in a mysterious beyond time
Your emotions are not real or important. You are being dramatic and impossible.
The list goes on and on, but woof. Parents and teens alike are getting fed a pretty rough story about what awaits them as they enter this developmental moment. We often treat young people as incompetent, incapable, and inconvenient. They are problems to be managed not funny, interesting, silly people with profound potential. We know one of the most important motivators for young people is social connection, and yet, the story we regularly tell teens is that they are unworthy of that connection.
The Power of Priming
We tend to operate under this basic narrative, that adolescence is terrible, without much interrogation or challenge. This in turn influences much of how we perceive and interpret adolescent behavior, not to mention how teens themselves shape their expectations. I know from decades of experience if you tell them a different story you can change a lot of things.
I used to start every school year with the same formula
Welcome them to the year and tell them how excited I was to meet them.
Tell them that while they are not going to love everything we did in this class, I could promise them one thing: I will never humiliate them. Each of them matters and has inherent worth.
Tell them a bit of my adolescent story. I had learning differences and felt stupid a lot of the time, so I acted out to get out of situations because I was terrified a lot of the time. It was hard to feel less than, so I ran from vulnerability.
Assure them that it is normal for a lot of things to feel weird and hard sometimes.
Promise them that we are in this together. And that while I have really high expectations, I will be there to support them every step of the way.
Their humanity was at the forefront, always. I crafted a classroom rooted in the idea that everyone gets to matter and everyone has profound potential. The shift in the kids I worked with was dramatic and lasting. I am still in touch with many of them as adults and still on the sidelines of their lives cheering them on.
We Have to Change the Story
I asked former students what they thought was the hardest part of being a teenager and here were some of their responses
Discovering who you are while simultaneously having to adapt to a rapidly changing social environment.
Having the tools to think big, and some of the tools to do cool things, but not always having the means or autonomy to do so. Your so close to being able to make decisions for yourself but at the end of the day, it’s not up to you. Very frustrating on a constant basis.
I think one of the hardest parts of being a teenager - especially in today's day and age - is feeling like you need to have it all figured out despite the fact that you haven't had much time to figure it out. You don't even know what it is you need to figure out.
Just that everything feels like such an emotional rollercoaster. Every tiny thing can have such a big impact and I think I just felt so sensitive and emotionally unstable for years and then once I turned 18/19 the roller coaster started to slow down and I adjusted. There are so many expectations as a teenager, you want to be a certain way and look a certain way and just showing up can be scary. I wanted more adults to be understanding and patient with me.
I think the hardest part of being a teenager TODAY, is comparison to others. There is constant comparison to others, like "why can't you do this like they do?" type of comments, or even just seeing other kids who seem way more accomplished or 'cooler' than you, which is of course not true, but hard to remember. Comparison can feel overwhelming and make me feel lonely.
We have to treat young people like they matter. Our language and actions have to signal to them that they are inherently deserving of connection and support, that their emotional realities are important, and that they can make mistakes without being mistakes. You can hold young people to incredibly high standards while keeping their humanity at the forefront.
We Can Start Today
How do you start changing the way you think about and engage with adolescents? Think of this quote from researcher David Yeager, “status and acknowledgement are to a young person what food and sleep are to a baby- core needs that, when satisfied, can unlock better motivation and behavior.” Below are a few tips to get you started.
Check your expectations against developmental norms. Ask yourself if the behavior that is driving you crazy is them intentionally trying to provoke you or a developmentally appropriate struggle. It is normal for teens to be disorganized, narcissistic, socially motivated, emotionally volatile, etc. This doesn’t mean you stop having rules and expectations. It does mean you can help yourself be less activated and find supports that will actually work.
Experiment with collaborative troubleshooting. We often have the compulsion to tell teens what to do or how to feel, and while it usually comes from a good place, it is deeply dismissive and sets them up to disengage. We often tell as a way to get our own needs met, like wanting to impart our knowledge on them to keep them safe. Not a bad thing, but is usually ineffective and doesn’t help increase independence, distress tolerance, self respect, or resilience. Invite them into the problem solving around an issue and sit next to them throughout the process.
Separate observable behavior from character. When giving feedback or redirection, keep it rooted in the behavior you can see and the impact it has and avoid connecting it to their character and sense of self. For example, “We need to connect about this because I care about you and our relationship. When you raise your voice at me when you’re upset it makes me feel defensive and annoyed, not ready to listen. We need to build in a cool down time and then talk things out.” That is way different than telling a teen, “Don’t you dare yell at me you disrespectful brat.”
Remember social connection is of paramount importance to teens. Threats to belonging can be as serious to adolescents as a threat to maternal attachment is to a baby. Social connection of all kinds is deeply important to teens, so it is going to motivate their actions. This is not because they are weak, broken, or incompetent. It is their brain functioning exactly as intended to help them develop a sense of identity, purpose, and community. The point of adolescence is to find out who you are and where you belong in the world. How can you use that motivation to guide them towards shared goals?
Lead with the idea that their emotions are deeply important. We often dismiss young people’s emotional realities and/ or avoid sitting in discomfort with them. Teen emotionality is not a defect, it is an amazing opportunity. Let them talk about emotions with you, ask them about their feelings, and most importantly, normalize permission to feel. Let all emotions be welcome while holding boundaries around behaviors.
Young people are complex, dynamic, and powerful. The way we think about them and engage with them is the problem. We can make small shifts that will have a dramatic impact on the lives of the adolescents in our orbit. I spend my days thinking of ways to make young folks feel like they matter and hope you can join me.